My chapter from the book, Love Meets Life, compiled by Tara Ijai

Self-love is the most self-less state to be in. Shame is the most selfish state. I know that this might seem backwards or ironic to some, but allow me to unpack this notion.
Self-love is detachment from self-judgement. It’s giving oneself freedom to feel worthy and therefore receive love and emotional nourishment in a way that is needed to thrive. Self-love is detachment from identifying oneself with one’s own story, or experience, and the idea that one's own past defines them.
Coming into self-love means to recognize that one can grow and learn without punishment from one’s self. When one is in a state of self-love they are open to listening. To seeing objectively, and to being more compassionate. Self-love gives one permission to work through emotions and to self-regulate without criticism. Self-love is the ability to make appropriate decisions for one’s well-being in order to show up in the healthiest way for the betterment of their family, friends, community and world.
Shame is created by the sense of being unworthy of love because of self-criticism. It’s debilitating not only for personal growth, but growth of relationships and collective. It revolves around the idea that true love has conditions. Love is the most natural energy and is not associated with judgment of the mind. Shame creates defensiveness and divisiveness.
It closes off the ability for one to see, hear or feel naturally, with wisdom. Instead they exist and interpret through a filter of their own wound. When one feels ashamed, and unworthy of love, I imagine their life force, their well-being, feels threatened. They would be more triggered into violence and aggression towards themselves and others. Shame limits the spirit into its expansion toward its full potential by shackling the mind (and therefore ones awareness) to the confines of one’s own story. I believe if everyone healed themselves of collective shame, we’d experience ourselves, and each other, with much more beauty and allow love in without resistance.
The disruptive energy that forbids the receptivity of self-love is shame.
Working through and dismantling the burden of shame is something that I’ve been doing for myself my entire life, and have been helping others do the same for over fifteen years as a transformational healer, energy worker and doula. Something I’ve learned in my experience is that one must be willing to have courage and curiosity to explore who they are without attachment to the shame they carry with them.
Curiosity and inquiry open up perceptions of excitement and adventure in pursuit of simply a new experience. It awakens a childlike view point, as it’s not challenging or pressuring the mind to believe anything specifically. Curiosity evokes an awareness and presence like a new born baby.
I implore myself, those I work with, and you to explore with curiosity the sensations in and around your body. Have the courage to explore deeper into parts of yourself that you have numbed, avoided, haven’t fully acknowledged, or noticed. Breathe. Breath is key in allowing oneself to dive deeper into one’s own consciousness.
I’ve learned it to be called “witness consciousness”; the ability to be aware of one’s inner and/or outer environment without judgement. Awareness to me is fundamental in the ability to be present and to release the mental attachment to shame. Awareness is using the five senses: sound, sight, touch, taste and smell to act as tools to fully connect to the present moment. Without the mind’s chatter. Using inner awareness to acknowledge all parts of one’s self without judgement, opens up the possibility for one to organically love themselves.
| “Love is the absence of judgment,” the Dalai Lama XIV.
When one has full awareness of their inner and outer environments, they can then feel grounded in the ability to be authentic, live and speak their truth. With full awareness of the inner and outer environment, a blend of the two occurs. One’s identity does not then feel threatened - as this identity was based on a dual view, or one which no longer exists with an awareness of both at once. The outer environment then becomes synonymous or in-tandem with the inner.
One expands their sense of identity in a way that no longer needs to be protected as they now understand it to not be isolated and instead wholly flexible. This lack of dependency, and therefore lack of desire to hold solid, allows this very room to feel, live and empathize with the experiences of others. When people feel free and safe to be in their authentic expression, there’s then natural room for compassion, empathy and understanding.
Without harboring shame, one would be able to have healthy relationships by witnessing others with compassion for who they are. There would be no impetus to take things personally because they would have deep roots in knowing who they are fundamentally.
When people heal themselves of shame there would be more conscious leadership in communities. Our communities would be lead by those who speak with honestly and integrity because of the conscious awareness that they’ve cultivated of their inner and outer environment. When one feels liberated in these capacities, a person can then thrive, not just survive or tolerate life.
These leaders and individuals would genuinely be able to celebrate their own existence and the existence of all of life. Being liberated of shame, would mean being liberated of self-judgement, and inevitably mean non-judgement of others. In this way, our creative capacities are unleashed and we remember our innocence, purity and beauty.
| “Complacency is the death of the soul.” Janaya ‘Future’ Khan.
For one to truly make a difference in this world, for one to truly be self-less, they must be willing to disappoint all those who believe that love has conditions. One must be willing to put down the burden of others’ projected shame and realize that it was never their responsibility to carry. We then can move through the fear of witnessing our own magnificence - which is not confined - and surrender into the unknown expansion into love.
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